I honestly don’t know how to start this review. Most of me just wants to tear this movie to shreds because it damn well deserves it, but there’s two things that are holding me back from unfettered rage: first, I feel like I brought this upon myself because I had a feeling that I wouldn’t like this movie and I saw it anyway. Second, though this movie is so mop-water-slurpingly bad, it is bad in the most lazy and unoffensive way possible.
But hell, I’m going to tear this movie to shreds anyway because screw it.
Masterminds is easily the laziest excuse for a comedy I have seen this year. Yes, even lazier than Dirty Grandpa. However, when Dirty Grandpa farted out its plot, it did so laughing blusteringly like a middle school boy proud of himself for joking about his flatulence. Masterminds, on the other hand, farts out its plot and then just slumps along the sidewalk as if he knows you’re not going to laugh, but it’s too late to go back on the decision to eat the 5-bean burrito, so get ready for more farts.
Before the movie even got halfway through, I was fighting the urge to just whip out my phone and do anything else but watch this toxic sludge because I was well aware that nothing about this plot was going to be unique, intuitive, sensical, or even entertaining.
So the movie stars this asshole, some guy who is down on his luck and is a downright loser. You can tell that he’s a loser because of his goofy haircut, his horrendous style of clothing, and he talks weird and says unintentionally inappropriate things. This is something I see lazy movies do frequently: compensate for their lack of writing ability and originality by making characters dress in a way that forces some sort of emotional reaction. There is nothing unique, funny, sympathetic, or genuine about Zach Galifianakis’s character, so they are forced to make due with visual queues to let you know he’s a loser.
So Galifragialistic’s character works at some sort of money vault, and is engaged to Kate McKinnon’s character, and boy let me tell you, are they quite mismatched. You can tell that they’re mismatched because McKinnon always tears him down for no reason and never compliments him. Oh boy, what a mean woman.
Kate McKinnon must have gotten the queues from all the vagabonds praising her for her obnoxious “Ghostbusters” performance because her character is pretty much the exact same as her character from Ghostbusters. At what point will people stop thinking it’s funny whenever McKinnon makes an ugly face that no normal person would ever make? That’s basically her character; whenever she isn’t trouncing Galifiniager for not being a real man’s man, she’s contorting her face to look like she’s got a surprise for whatever nurse needs to change her diaper.
Not to be outdone, Kristen Wiig comes in as the beautiful woman that will be the actual love interest for Galifinothing. You can tell that she’s the right woman for him because she compliments him for being a nice guy all the time, and she stands up for him against all the meany-faces that take advantage of his beta-maleness. She does all of this despite the fact that Zach’s character is needy, unattractive, and willing to throw his fiancé aside if it meant sniffing Wiig’s hair for all but two seconds.
GOD THIS MOVIE WAS SO LAZY! This is essentially the exact same plot as every damn Adam Sandler movie in existence!
And don’t bother trying to figure out when exactly Wiig actually falls for Galindragon, because the script just eventually made it happen… for half of the movie, they made it very clear that even though Wiig thought he was a nice guy, what she really wanted was the money, and she was willing to exploit his feelings… but because she needs to fall in love with the guy (despite the fact that the movie clearly makes it look like she finds him repulsive), at one point, you’re just gonna have to accept that she’s in love with him without explanation.
Owen Wilson played slightly-goofier Owen Wilson.
Jason Sudeikis played mind-numbingly incompetent assassin that is supposed to kill Galifidouchebag when he starts becoming a liability to Owen Wilson because reasons. Sudeikis is basically a walking punchline in this movie, and the joke is that he’s bad at his job. You can tell that he’s bad at his job because he has a creeper mustache, a weird sense of style, and he talks weird.
This movie, holy shit, it was the laziest pig slop in the entire world.
The humor in this movie was so damn obvious that I called quite a few jokes in my head well in advance.
Galifipnosis and Wiig are at a shooting range because reasons, and Wiig starts shooting at her target and impressively hits it every time, and instantly in my head, I thought “Oh, now Zach’s character is going to miss every time and look like a doofus, how funny.” And then he misses the the target every time and looks like a doofus. How funny….
Galibodacious and Kate McKinnon are taking engagement pictures and the photographer asks them how they met, and McKinnon starts going on about how she met the love of her life and how big and strong of a man he was. And instantly in my head, I thought “Oh, she’s going to pull the rug over my expectations and reveal that she’s not actually talking about Zach. What comedic brilliance.” And then she pulls the rug over my expectations and revealed that she wasn’t actually talking about Zach, because her real true love died…. Guys, it was so funny, you wouldn’t believe it.
Oh yeah, Leslie Jones was in this movie too.
This movie also has a plot. Would you like to know the quality of the plot? THEN JUST WATCH ANY ONE OF ADAM SANDLER’S MOVIES AND YOU’LL GET A GOOD IDEA ABOUT HOW THE SERIES OF EVENTS WILL TURN OUT.
This movie constantly threw logic, realism, and continuity out the window. People get captured in this movie frequently, and not once was any captured character ever tied up, which constantly took me out of the movie and made me wonder why nobody took a sliver of effort and just wrapped prop rope around the captive’s hands (and most of the time, the answer is because it would ruin a joke they were about to set up… and the joke never ever compensates for the narrative laziness).
The only positive about this movie is that it’s so forgettable that I will only remember it when I’m compiling my “Worst of 2016” list… because there is no way in hell Masterminds is going to escape my “Worst of 2016” list. Masterminds goes through the motions of what constitutes as a modern-day American comedy movie and does nothing new. This movie somehow made me appreciate Dirty Grandpa because at least Dirty Grandpa pissed me off. I felt nothing watching Masterminds. My mind sat blank in an empty theatre desperate for something else to do.