I like this list. It’s the list that justifies the fact that I spent money on movies I had absolutely no business financially supporting.
And be honest, readers, most of you like it more when I trash a movie than when I praise it. Seven of the top ten most viewed of my reviews are ones that I gave a negative grade to.
I do agree though: a lot of my best and wittiest writing comes when I am angry.
But I’ve seen a bunch of crappy movies, so many crappy movies that if I truly made room for every fart-bomb I watched, this article would be excruciatingly long… so I narrowed it down to 17…
Here are similar disclaimers from my best list:
— It’s not only that I hated these movies, but these movies are, to me, the objectively worst movies I have seen all year.
— I have not seen every movie this year… and I am so sorry but I avoided some of these monstrosities. I have to draw the line somewhere… and that’s why I didn’t see movies like Fifty Shades of Black, or Nine Lives, or Norm of the North.
Taking the bottom rung of the bottom movies, number 17 is Ben-Hur, an unwanted remake in a year in which unwanted reboots, sequels, and remakes made up about a fifth of the movies I watched. Somehow, Ben-Hur was the most unnecessary and most offensive of all of them, and it came out the same year that Ghostbusters-but-women did.
Outstanding work, Ben-Hur, outstanding work.
Number 16 is Allegiant. I seemed to be in the minority of people who thought that the first two movies of the Divergent series were decent, and now with its third installment sucking so hard that it’s forced its final installment to be created into a TV movie, it appears that I will perpetually be in that minority.
At one point in the year, I was wondering why I wasn’t seeing very many romantic movies come out anymore. One could pass some blame to current society shaming any sort of artwork that doesn’t portray their females as “perpetually strong and independent” (dear heaven, there were ALOT of those movies this year), but I think my number 15 spot, The Choice, is another reason: because people are tired of seeing movies that are perpetually cliche, lazy, and uninspired.
(…unless, of course, the movie was made by Disney…)
Until the last twenty minutes, this movie’s only crimes were being kind of lame and unexceptional. And then the last act of number 14, Assassin’s Creed hit, and it was like the movie started crop-dusting farts into my eyes all the while making a face at me as if it was presenting me with a sophisticated, intelligent piece of art.
Perhaps this movie was doomed from the start by starting out as a video game, but many of the initial games had some fantastic, intelligent stories.
Maybe they should have stuck to those stories instead of trying to make their own…
Following the lazy and cliche romance movie theme, Bridget Jones’s Baby is number 13.
The heartbreaking thing about this pick is that I am somewhat compelled to go easy on the girl. She’s a somewhat likable person, and so are some of the ensemble members in this movie, but then I realized how condescending and recycled this garbage is and I threw my sentiment out the window.
Want to know how to feel about the events in the movie? Well, the soundtrack and the narration will do a good job at spoon-feeding your emotions to you.
Melissa McCarthy either needs to stop picking crap projects to work on or needs to stop being in movies altogether. That is unless, she wants to continue to appear on my worst movies list forever, because movies like number 12, The Boss, is a sign that McCarthy is not going to stop being in crap movies anytime soon.
I guess I should go a bit easy on her… after all, her co-actress in this movie, Kristen Bell, appears in this list twice, and McCarthy only appears once.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is number 11, an absolute bore fest and a waste of time.
Was it a comedy? Because it wasn’t funny.
Was it a drama? Because it wasn’t emotionally compelling.
If you think a movie documenting unlikable assholes exploiting war-torn areas by day and then drinking, partying, and sexing it up at night sounds fun, then this movie is certainly for you… if not, then you’ll probably be bored out of your mind and completely emotionally uninvested like I was.
THE TEN WORST
At number 10, we have Gods of Egypt, and it should thank its accidental brilliance that it’s not higher on this godforsaken list. Gods of Egypt is 70% boring and 30% unintentionally hysterical.
My brother and I laughed so much at the poor line delivery and atrociously delivered screams that he ended up buying it so that we could watch it again.
And although the painfully boring parts vastly outweigh the comedy, I’m glad I got to watch it again.
WHAT WE DO IN THIS LIFE MATTERS!!
At number 9, we have Bad Moms. Aside from the fact that it was lazy and uninspired, the movie tried to pretend that this trash had some sort of sincere message of loving motherhood.
Yeah, screw that. There is nothing sincere about Bad Moms. Imagine if the assholes from Whiskey Tango Foxtrot had children that they were neglecting except for some token scenes. That’s Bad Moms.
At number 8, we have Suicide Squad, the final nail to the coffin of my expectations for the DC / Warner Brothers duo. The entire movie was rushed, sloppy, and irritating beyond comprehension. The movie stuffed so many characters into its ensemble, and then spends almost no time developing any of them meaningfully (except Will Smith and Margot Robbie who are developed with UTTER NONSENSE AND USELESSNESS).
The worst part is that Suicide Squad was such a colossal hit at the box office that there’s virtually no point in expecting Warner Brothers to get any better at this.
I’m already dreading seeing Wonder Woman next year.
At number 7, we have The Darkness.
It’s less of an actual story than it is a tutorial on how to make a terrible horror film. If you can think of an overused horror cliche, chances are The Darkness has it.
My favorite part of the movie is still the part where Kevin Bacon is looking stuff up on the internet, and he finds a website that reads “Autistic children are more susceptible to spirits.”
At number 6, we have Alice Through the Looking Glass, a tiresome exercise in nothingness.
It was so dumb, self-sabotaging, and lacking in any sort of continuity or reason.
If you liked this stupid movie, you’re probably making the argument, “But Alice movies are SUPPOSED to be nonsensical and without reason.”
Okay, but lacking in sense and reason only works if you put effort into all the other parts. Nothing in this movie has any effort put into it at all, and therefore it only comes across as incoherent and lazy.
The entire story was aimless and choppy, Superman was wooden and unrelatable, Lex Luthor was a dopey cartoon character, Lois Lane and Wonder Woman might as well have not been in the movie, and I could go on and on.
The dialogue was as subtle and meaningful as a smack to the groin with a pillowcase filled with bricks.
The obligatory plug-ins to the next superhero movies were excruciating and insulting.
At number 4, we have Dirty Grandpa. At the beginning of the year, I thought, “It’s going to be a long time before I give a movie a 1 out of 10”, and then at theatrical review number five, I saw this diarrhea-gargle-fest of a movie, and I realized that maybe I was giving Hollywood too much credit.
The jokes were so obvious, overused, and unintuitive.
Every single character was an overused trope of the comedy genre, and Robert De Nero sinks so low in this movie that his only saving grace was that nobody did better than him.
At number 3, we have Masterminds, a movie that I primarily saw because two fellow reviewers gave it perfect ratings… and I was intrigued. I did not expect to agree with them; I thought it would probably be a 5 out of 10 at best. Instead, I gave this movie the lowest possible rating I could give.
Masterminds was a lazier, less lively version of Dirty Grandpa, and I didn’t even fathom that as a possibility.
Masterminds is the cinematic equivalent of drinking bleach: you know its not good for you, and if you do decide to partake, your mind’s gonna go blank rather quickly.
At number 2, we have Max Steel, an absolutely broken movie that lacked any semblance of a plot.
Max Steel is so broken that I had to go back to storytelling 101 by mentioning the idea of “cause and effect”, because every single crappy movie I’ve seen before had some sort of idea of it. But Max Steel had no idea what this even meant.
Every single thing in this entire movie felt stupid, inauthentic, and tiresome. Every attempt at comedy was painful, and every action scene was disengaging.
AND THE ABSOLUTE WORST MOVIE I HAVE SEEN ALL YEAR IS……
MOTHER FLIPPING MOTHER’S DAY
This was a hard choice… Max Steel and Mother’s Day are both completely broken movies, and a part of me sort of thinks that Max Steel is the more broken of the two…
… but not only does Mother’s Day get EVERYTHING wrong, it gets it wrong five different times with five individual stories…
Every single story sabotages itself, every single joke feels contrived, and every single heartfelt moment feels forced and out of place. Every single performance was abysmal and insincere.
The movie has numerous audio issues where you can tell that the person wasn’t saying anything in the scene, but they placed audio in there last minute.
Not to mention the movie was constantly unbearable and cringe-inducing.
There is no other 2016 movie that water-boarded me with suckage quite like this one. The movie constantly insults your intelligence and condescends you as an audience member. It is an absolute abomination and a waste of time.