Review: Fifty Shades Darker

If you ever hear somebody make the argument that “humanity as a whole is generally good and/or intelligent”, the only dissenting evidence that you would need to throw at them is the phrase “Fifty Shades of Grey made a profit of five hundred million dollars at the box office.”


The book that the movie is based on was written on a Blackberry phone by a woman who apparently is so bad at spell check and storytelling that she was rejected by every major publisher, forcing her to self-publish.


This isn’t even to mention that this story originally started out as erotic fan-fiction of Twilight. No, I’m not making this up. Do you need any more reasons not to see this film? Fine.


I have yet to see the movies, but I have read and watched plenty of reviews of the first one, and it was universally panned by nearly every single reviewer on the face of the planet. I’ve seen some reviewers “cliff note” it, and the acting is absolutely abysmal, the chemistry between the leads is atrocious, and the dialogue is below bottom-of-the-barrel.

So why would anyone see this movie? One would think, “Because of the erotic, kinky sex in it, right?” Well, based on the testimony of every single person who’s seen the movie and reviewed it, there’s not even that much sex in the film.


And the fact of the matter is, the portrayal of Gray’s BDSM kinks (in the book) is apparently so vile that it is largely denounced by the people who refer to themselves as the “BDSM community”… Put that in your brain and smoke it.

And this movie that essentially glorifies abusive relationships is released on Valentine’s Day. There is absolutely no reason to see this film.



Are you still not convinced? Do you really need me to talk about this movie?



…Fine… I guess I’ll try my hardest to talk about this toxic sludge.



Fifty Shades Darker is the sequel to a movie that recently had a parody of it called “Fifty Shades of Black”.


… Speaking of parodies and blackness, has anyone seen Black Dynamite?




Black Dynamite is an extreme satire of blacksploitation movies and action/crime movies. It makes fun of nearly every single cliche and gimmick of the genres as well as nearly every stereotypical black stereotype in pop culture.



The movie is infinitely quotable, and it is an absolute blast to watch. When I first saw it, it was because my two best friends and my then-girlfriend decided to buy it because we thought it was just going to be a terrible movie that we could laugh at. Lo and behold, we ended up laughing hysterically because the movie is legitimately funny. I’d say that it is probably the most intelligent dumb comedy I’ve ever seen.


There’s quite a few vulgar things in this movie… and it apparently has more sex in it than the Fifty Shades movie did (hell if I know), so don’t watch this movie if you try to avoid those kind of things, but Black Dynamite would easily make it into my top five comedies of all time… somewhere between Role Models and Shaun of the Dead.




Speaking of the dead, I suppose I should talk about the theatrical turd known as Fifty Shades Darker…



Fifty Shades Darker is about men and women. In that, it is vaguely reminiscent of a series I watched a while back called Downton Abbey.





dta_630x354_v1_19aakqb-19aakqj.jpgDownton Abbey is a show by Masterpiece that was originally on PBS, and it is an absolute delight to watch. It follows a very rich family living in pre-WWI, and they maintain a large house (called Downton Abbey). Their stories are threaded through the stories of the help that is hired to clean and maintain the house.



The show managed to get six full seasons. This is impressive considering it just follows a bunch of rich snobs. I believe my youngest brother referred to this series as “the most interesting boring show [he] has ever watched”.


But what really holds this show together is the acting, the dialogue, and the chemistry among all of these surprisingly deep and likable characters. The series somehow stands out on its own.

I believe that this mostly has to do with Maggie Smith. Yes, I liked every single character in this entourage, but the show would not nearly be as wonderfully charming without Smith’s character, the Dowager Countess of Grantham. The Dowager is an absolutely hilarious and charming character despite the fact that she’s a classist snob. But hell, she’s Maggie Smith, so of course she’s a wonderful character!


Also, I don’t know why all the men were chasing Mary, the Witch of Downton (not her real title). I was more of an Edith guy.


There’s a few moments where the series gets a tad too cheesy, preachy, and occasionally predictable, but the entire series is absolutely amazing and you should check it out as soon as you can.




I’m so terribly sorry guys, I know I should be talking about Fifty Shades Darker, but I seriously can’t seem to stay on track today.


I’m going to go ahead and try one more time…. AHEM….
















Barney’s Great Adventure is a movie that I watched when I was young enough that grown-ups would not question my sanity, but boy oh boy, my peers sure did.


I was seven, guys. I was months away from discovering Pokemon and Beast Wars, and until then, I just stuck to Barney the Purple Dinosaur…

… Okay, I watched Pokemon and Beast Wars at the same time that I watched Barney the Dinosaur.



The movie is vaguely similar to the TV show except there were no reoccurring children. There were two random girls that believed in Barney the Dinosaur, and there was a random boy who was too cool for school and made fun of the girls for believing in him.

Guess who turned out to be the fool in this movie???? It was me.


But anyway, I don’t recall much about this film… I think there was some item they needed to find… I think there was a happy ending. There might have been a message about love, and there was some songs to sing along to.

Why does this sound like every Disney movie that’s come out recently? Oh….



Maybe I should seek this movie out in the future to see if it will bring back any strong sense of nostalgia. Hey, if people want to watch shit like Fifty Shades, then you have no right to laugh at me for wanting to watch Barney the Dinosaur.





Wait, I’m supposed to be reviewing that other movie. Damn it.


Uh… Fifty Shades Darker is the continuing story of a rich man with mommy issues so ingrained into his brain that he constantly wants to give his girlfriend the spanky-spank.

And if you’re into that sort of thing, go watch a movie that isn’t lacking in any redeemable qualities whatsoever.


I didn’t watch this movie, and neither should you. Until next time.