One wonders, when seeing a movie idea like this, how the hell does it get green-lighted? It’s EMOJIS. How can someone make a worthwhile story that lasts 90 minutes with non-moving caricatures that live in your phone?
Not to mention that this story also has a terrible script given to an unproven director and voice acted by people that most of which have very little experience in voice acting and/or otherwise unemployed. So again, how did it get green-lighted?
Oh okay, that’s how.
So I just watched The Emoji movie, and it was a big steaming pile of Patrick Stewart. There are some movies in the past that I had a feeling would be bad, but was fully able to give it the benefit of a doubt, but I obviously knew this would be terrible. But I haven’t reviewed a good 1 out of 10 movie in a while, and I wanted to blow off some steam.
Oh, spoiler alert, I’m giving this movie a 1 out of 10. If that’s all you’re here for, you can close out of this review. I’m done. If you’d like to hear my reasoning for why this movie is going to get a 1 out of 10, feel free to stay.
So again I ask, how can a movie about emojis last 90 minutes? What in the world kind of premise about emojis can last 90 minutes?
You ready? Here’s the plot:
Gene is a “Meh” face emoji, and he has an identity crisis because he’s supposed to be “Meh” 100% of the time. His parents can do this, and all the other emojis around him can portray one emotion 100% of the time, but he can’t. Despite this, he demands to start working as a “Meh” emoji for the phone they’re inside. However, when he’s at work and he’s chosen as a “Meh” emoji to send as a text, he gets so nervous that he makes a massive amount of faces that makes the emoji sent look messed up. This makes all the other emojis mad at him. Thus, Gene runs off to discover how to make him perpetually “Meh”.
You think that concept can fit into 90 minutes? Nope.
So how did they pad out the length of this movie??
WITH PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
Surprisingly, Just Dance! and Dropbox both payed the most money to get into this movie, because they’re the only apps that play a significant part in the plot. Both of these plot points by both apps are forced, tacky, and embarrassing.
The other apps, which are Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, Spotify, and Twitter must have payed less money because they are only in the movie to make a small handful of stupid, obvious, and mundane jokes and then are never brought up ever again.
Every single character in this movie is unlikable, and their motivations, personality, and character arcs are all inconsistent in this absolute mess of a movie. It was not uncommon for the story to introduce character motivations or conflict transitions abruptly into this movie for no reason other than to further the plot. The product of this provides plenty of irritation, but honestly, the biggest feeling I got from this movie was an overwhelming feeling of boredom.
Every single joke in this movie is so poorly executed that it made all the humor in Cars 3 look smart and sophisticated by comparison. Some of these jokes weren’t even jokes; they were simply executed as such in hopes that the audience might mistake them as jokes and laugh.
There’s a moment in the movie where Gene asks a clock what time it is. He then looks at the clock to check, and the clock gets mad at him and says, “Hey, my eyes are up here!”
On an unrelated note, this movie was excruciatingly cringeworthy as well.
Oh God, I’m already tired of talking about this movie. I’m going to take a break by showing you one of the saddest pictures I’ve seen in a while:
Why, Captain? Why?
I can’t possibly think of a good reason for why Sir Patrick Stewart was in this movie. When I checked out the cast for this film, every single listed actor made me think, “…Yeah, that makes sense.”
But Patrick Stewart? Playing a poop emoji? How embarrassing.
I’ll tell you who WASN’T embarrassed to be in this movie: T.J. Miller
While looking for pictures for this review, I started looking at some of the premiere photos, and I noticed a pattern: every single person looks embarrassed to be there except for Miller. There are so many examples of these types of photos that I made a collage of some of my favorites.
I titled the photo TJMillerISAHack.jpg
Even James Corden is embarrassed to be in this movie, and that guy gets paid to drive in a car and sing karaoke with random people.
Also, as a person who works in I.T., no that’s not what happens when you erase a phone, and that’s not what happens when you unplug a phone that’s getting erased, you witless swine.
Everything about this movie is wrong. All of the characters suck. The entire story is awful. All of the jokes are the antithesis of humor.
Even Amy Schumer’s Snatched made me laugh once or twice… I think I smiled once during Cars 3. Nothing of the sort happened with The Emoji Movie. It shook me so much that my mind is rapidly trying to forget it as quickly as possible.