So I had no intention of seeing this movie. I was originally planning on seeing Book Club, because it looked like it might be a quaint, funny movie about older ladies doing bombastic things. However, due to the combination of it being “Five-Dollar-Tuesday” at the theater I went to, and apparently every single middle-aged lady had the day off today, it was sold out before I could get there.
So “Breaking In” it is…
…Breaking In, a movie that rivals A Wrinkle in Time in its incompetence.
Honestly, I thought AWiT was a shoe-in for Worst Movie of 2018. Now, I actually have to give it some thought.
Every single performance is terrible. There wasn’t a single believable performance in the entire movie, and obviously, that goes especially for the child actors. The held-back performances by the kids (who are supposed to act like they have been abducted by a group of evil men who are trying to kill their mother) rivaled that of middle school theater. I didn’t believe any of it. And somehow, they were only MARGINALLY worse than all of the adults.
On top of that, the script for the movie is absolute shit. There is not a single line of organic, believable dialogue in the entire movie. Every single piece of spoken word felt like a robot was saying it instead of an actual character.
Honestly, I use the word “character” loosely, as none of these people actually play characters. They play lazily written ideas: a strong and independent mother, child props that need to be saved, a “ruthless” mastermind, a Mexican criminal stereotype, and a wimpy asshole who you can tell is wimpy because he has bleached blonde hair.
Every single character takes turns being either incompetently stupid or intelligent (or at least as intelligent of a character that can be written with such a trash script), and exactly who is stupid or intelligent largely depends on where the plot needs to go. Before the movie was even halfway over, I lost count of how many times someone did something that made absolutely no sense.
It’s honestly surprising how stupid our protagonist is. The only reason she won (oh, spoiler alert… I guess) is because the bad guys were even stupider. So we have a stupid woman with dumb children facing up against a bunch of morons who want to rob her house.
And it’s not like either side has any plans for anything! You’d think that the villains have a master plan to get to where they need to go, but it’s as if they make things up as they go along. Additionally, whenever it seems like the mother is creating some sort of plan for her children to escape, it later comes across as her never having a plan. It’s as if every character is improvising, and most of the time their improvisations actually succeed most of the time.
And that’s really what sank this movie for me: the fact that it was just 90 minutes of watching idiots win or lose against each other dependent upon what the movie thought would be the most dramatic. We don’t get to see this woman think of clever ways to outsmart her enemy; she outsmarts her enemies by nature of the script allowing her to do so. And every time the movie needed to spice things up, she turned into a bumbling, crying idiot.
There’s other things that are wrong with this movie… There’s continuity errors, there’s a massive amount of terrible logic, the film doesn’t know how technology works, the production design looks astoundingly artificial, people get distracted by the most contrived things imaginable.
Also, the movie CONSTANTLY reminds the audience that the thieves only have 90 minutes before the alarm goes off in the mansion, and the police arrive… so it baffles me that the thieves constantly dick around wasting time doing stupid shit. THIS WHOLE GARBAGE HEAP OF A FILM IS INFURIATING.
The dialogue cringe didn’t QUITE reach the altitudes of A Wrinkle in Time’s bastardization of a script, but boy oh boy, did it get close to it.
The soundtrack was boring white noise.
Everything in this movie sucks. It’s bad. I hated it. I would say I want my money back, but I got to see this movie for free. And even then, I still feel like I want my money back. I want the theater to give me money for seeing this movie along with a heartfelt apology. I don’t know what else to say. Don’t see this movie. It’s boring as hell and it’s grossly incompetent.
1 out of 10